Kimwar

Böner: "Its a hard sell"

2012-01-29T10:10:00.000-08:00

Its Re-dick-ulous!!

As much as I giggled all the way to through the check-out line and brainstormed penis jokes all the way home, after doing a little research, I almost didn't write this review.

Böner was created after the popularity of a t-shirt with the phrase "Pop a Böner" on it actually made people want to drink the fictitious beer being advertised (may I suggest, if you try a Google Image Search you make sure to include the word "t-shirt". And even then. Don't. Just don't.). The whole concept just seemed cheap to me; Its like when companies starting brewing Duff Beer --currently only available in South America-- so people could drink the same beer as Homer Simpson. Böner Beer sales are completely driven by cheesy jokes and marketing ploys. As the website advertises, "Watch [insert sport here] with a Böner!", "Order a stiff one!", "It's sure to get a rise out of you!". They also have the "Böner girls" who are like, forty and all greased up, and not at all boner-inducing.

So, if all the jokes are made, why review it? I have my reasons. Its brewed by the Lion Brewery in Pennsylvania, and only distributed/marketed in Texas. Never heard of Lion Brewery? Well, they were the maker of my FAVORITE no-longer-available cheap beer Brubaker. But that's review for another day. I've attached a link to the BeerAdvocate website if you want to learn more. Teaser: It was only available at a select few bars in Boston, and it was brewed in sticky re-used bottles. My point is Lion Brewery only seems to brew cheap, obscure, poorly distributed beverages and THAT, my friends, is a beer worth reviewing.

The beer was brand new on the market as of 2011 and is already selling at discount grocery stores for $2.99 a six pack. That doesn't seem like a great sign. My first thought was "Of course it was marketed in Texas. Stupid Texas." But to be fair, nobody doesn't like a boner joke. In fact, I vote people stop saying love is the universal language, and just agree that its actually boners.

Its a wheat beer brewed with pineapple, which breaks my streak of only reviewing American Adjunct Lagers, but it means I have to drink a pineapple flavored wheat beer, which kind of sucks.

My first reaction, and the ruining factor for my co-reviewer Mike, was the smell. It had that apple cider vinegar smell. He couldn't finish his glass. Its yeasty, which is probably something the marketers should have considered when they were deciding on what style beer to brew and name "Böner"; super yeasty? I would have stuck with American Adjunct Lager-- everybody else is doing it.

Terrible head, but good color. And no after taste, which was a surprise. ...This whole review is a waste. I can't stop thinking about boners.

Kokanee, anyone?

2012-01-20T21:02:00.000-08:00

Kokanee!! Its Glacier Fresh! I might have never heard if it, but its one of the best selling beers in Western Canada! Which is almost saying something!

Let's start with the facts: It's a Labatt product, and although brewed in Canada, it is still considered an American Adjunct Lager, proving that "American Adjunct Lager" is just code for "straw-colored backwash". It is advertised as being brewed with mountain stream water. Do they have any idea what fish do in that water?!

The word "Konakee" is a term for an inland sock-eye salmon in the Native American Okanagan language.

It has been kindly requested that I refrain from any jokes that poke fun at the rampant alcoholism that is present on Native American reservations. But that doesn't mean I'm not thinking of some really awful cheap jokes. I'm thinking them, alright. I'm thinking them right now...

Moving on... The packaging was as generic as they come. Blue skies, frosty mountains, the word 'beer'. Apparently there's a Sasquatch hidden somewhere on the label, but I couldn't find it. I'm pretty sure Wikipedia is just messing with me for not donating money like they asked me to.

The beer was highly carbonated, which left me very burpy. And much like every American Adjunct, it smelled like rank rotten cabbage. But the taste wasn't the worst. It's got an average alcohol percentage at around 5%, and lacks the standard gross after-taste, which makes it pretty darn drinkable.

Overall, I give it a high C on the cheap beer scale. Definitely a Kimber-do.

Are you there, GiaGia?

2012-01-16T12:38:00.000-08:00

So, unemployment has taken a weird toll on me.

I'm bored, and its depressing to watch my phone not ring, and my e-mail box fill up with nothing but info on sales from the Gap, so in an effort to keep myself busy, I've started walking.

Today on my walk I was flagged down by an elderly woman who looked entirely too much like my long-deceased grandmother. If she could have stood up straight, she would have tapped out at around 4' 9'', and she had a thick eastern European accent that I didn't remember my GiaGia having, but I haven't seen her in a while, so went along with it. She needed me to cut a tree branch for her, and it was clear, now that I had stopped, she was not asking me, she was telling me. So, I cut the branch, without a saw, and then she immediately got me started on racking the lawn. At one point, to let me know I was doing a sub-par job, she walked over and picked up a leaf from an area I had already gone over.

After I had dragged the leaves across the street, she told me to wait while she went into the house. I figured she had something in there she needed fixed, but instead, she came back with this:

Two bags of seasoned croutons and a snack sized fiber one brownie, to thank me for my help. She also offered to have me come in for some toasted bread, but I kindly declined, twice.

Its been a pretty good day, and now I know where I can get toasted bread anytime I want.

The Very First Beer of the Year

2012-01-13T23:00:00.000-08:00

Today's beer is Kodiak Ridge Lager, a American Adjunct that I found at the local SaveMart for $3.99/6pack.

It had a logo that appealed to the ho-dunk backwoods hillbilly side of me (what? I have a lot of sides). Reading the can from top to bottom, it starts with a picture of a bear. Bears are Bad-ass. I'm intrigued. Under that, the word "Beer". Yes. I like beer, I'll read on. After that "Kodiak" Again. Bad-ass bear. Read on. Under that "Ridge" Meh... you're losing me, but then in finishes with "Lager" And I'm sold.

I'd never heard of it, but it must have traveled to the grocery store via coal truck, because the tops of the cans were covered it soot. But it met my new requirement of not being a 30-rack, because I'm tired of getting stuck with 28 undrinkable toxic beers. So, I bought it. But I had to clean it before I poured:

Upon pouring, I found that it had a less than impressive color. Its lightly carbonated, and the lacing is non-existent. It doesn't smell good. I don't really know how else to explain it. It smells like dirty water or something.

The distributors of Kodiak Ridge is in Novato, California, and its bottled at the Genesee Brewing Company in Rochester, New York, both of which are decided Kodiak-free zones, but whatever, if my city's claim to fame was being the northernmost town in Marin County, I'd want to associate myself with an bad ass Alaskan bear too. I'd also want to move.

Back to the beer. Its not that thick sweet syrupy beer like the-beer-that-shall-not-be-named. Its very light, a little tangy, with very little after taste. Its certainly drinkable.
I give it a C-

Hipsters in love, or you know, just, like, together or whatever.

2012-01-08T16:39:00.000-08:00

I spent my Sunday morning at a bridal expo, and I am embarrassed about it. You know something is shameful when they give out free cake and drinks and you still don't want anyone to know you were there.

It was exactly what I expected it to be, with the exception of a new trend in hipster weddings. There were multiple vendors (dueling vendors!!) renting vintage accessories for your special day. If hipsters even have special days. Maybe they just have, like, you know, days, or whatever.

I now know that for a small fortune, you can rent dirty old bicycles, stacked luggage, empty mason jars, old books, storm windows, or even broken camera equipment. As I was looking at their displays, I realize that my mother's house is like a warehouse of hipster accessories. And she didn't even know it; how hipster of her is that?!

There was one "piece" at the show that consisted of three old doors leaned up against each other. They looked exactly like the doors my mother stores in our basement because it would be too expensive to bring them to the dump. I asked the vendor how much it would be to rent them and she replied, "Oh, this entire ensemble, including the board*, would be around $350 for an event."

So, let me get this straight, my mother hides her doors and storm windows in the basement, when she could be pimping them around town for serious bank?! That is ridiculous.

I made my mom go and take a picture of one of them:

*the board for rent was a 2x4 covered in chipped paint. And I know what you're thinking. I can't believe she just threw the board in for free either.

To put this all into perspective, if my mother had been renting this decorative fruitcake tin, instead of getting it for free from the dump's swap shop ten years ago, she would have had to pay more then ten thousand dollars just to have it sitting, or, should I say decorating, in her pantry.

I wonder how much they'd change for a peace lily the size of a mature hosta, because she's got one.

I asked my mom to walk around her house and take pictures of her stuff, here are a few things she captured:

(not shown: wood stove, cake holders, rocking chair, twenty-year-old cat, 50s step stool, endless amounts of baskets, and more)

I know. Its a goldmine in there.

Thanks, mom.

Year End Report:

2011-12-31T17:41:00.000-08:00

Google Analytics gives me a lot of stats that are completely not useful to me, but I still find it interesting, because they're about me.

For example, I had 2501 visitors this year on the blog, 400 more visitors than last year, 613 unique visitors, twice as many as last year, and on average, people spent less than a minute on the site, which is actually way less than they spent on the site last year on average, suggesting that a lot more people are finding my webpage for the first time, but then instantly realizing they're in the wrong place.

What were these people searching for? Well, that's where my second edition of "I'm pretty sure you didn't find what you were looking for" comes in. Here are my top ten winners of 2011 (for the record, because thanks to google analytics I have a record, I had 99 absolute zingers to choose from), in no particular order:

1. Stalking Cartoonists Makes Me Pee Myself
2. Other People Don't Think I'm Funny
3. Adult Braces Site: Blogspot.com
4. Coors Light Cake
5. Funny Maths Exam Answers Calculator
6. Kimwaw Corn Cakes
7. My Mom Makes Me Wear Diapers Because I Got The Runs On A Car Trip
8. Stuff to Confuzz Your Friends
9. Silver the 85 Year Very Oldman

and finally, last, and most personally hurtful:

10. Ugly Little Blonde Girl With Braces and Glasses

Maybe I did learn something from Google Analytics... I talk about cake way more than I thought, and the internet in comprised of a bunch of idiot perverts.

Second verse, same as the first!

2011-12-31T14:58:00.000-08:00

So, I planned on looking back at my early 2011 posts, and using them to illustrate how much I've changed this year, and BOY was I disappointed. I'm still an adult non-student who wears cat-hair shirts to the grocery store to buy cheap beer in the middle of the afternoon, except now I'm unemployed, which is just the icing on the shit cake. I still dress like an old man and expect people to think I'm cute, and I still may or may not be retarded.

Although it was not an excellent year for personal growth, a lot of good has come from 2011. I joined an improv group (www.blacktopcomedy.com go see it, its fantastic), started writing stand-up material (as of two days ago), I bought a car (haggled the SHIT out of the dealer, cried, pitched a fit, and now I can never go back there). I watched a record number of movies in theaters this year: Jane Eyre, Super 8, Bridesmaids, Source Code, Midnight in Paris, The Muppets, and tonight we're going to see TinTin in 3D! I also ate a record number of Papa Murphy's pizzas (an average of one every 2.5 weeks).

Looking back in the year in posts, I am sad that I accidentally abandoned (read: forgot about) my Gross Food Photography project. The Calimonter was such a disgusting gem. I also completely forgot about my Facebook page, and it got archived. Also, I forgot about my childhood bank account, which had 25 cents in it, and was closed for inactivity. I grieved over that for about six straight minutes. I'm going to try not to forget so much in 2012.

On this day last year, I requested "more of the same", and although I didn't really get that, I can't complain. For 2012 however, I request money. Cold, hard cash. And a lot of it.

I take it back.

2011-12-04T19:34:00.001-08:00

I need to retract a statement I made earlier in regards to the worst beer I have ever had. I was wrong, Silver Stallion has been stripped of the title of worse-beer-ever. Don't get me wrong, its still a terrible, terrible beer. But it isn't the worst.

This review is of the actual worst beer I have ever had: Game-Day Ice. And I wasn't expecting a lot from the 7-11 produced sister beer of Game Day Light, at $2.99 for a twelve pack, and the notorious 'ice beer' label, it was cringe-inducing before I even cracked open the can.

The beer had color; a dark yellow, but absolutely no head. It was as flat as apple juice. In fact, we continued to compare it to apple juice throughout the taste-test. It smelled like a rotten fruit factory, and who the hell would manufacture rotten fruit? The taste was like corn syrupy garbage. It stuck in your mouth like peanut butter. Clearly the phrase "premium brewed" means nothing. Mike managed to take one sip. I drank 3 cans, because, well, we had 12. As I was drinking, I continued to search for adjectives to describe this terrible beer, but it was decided one dimensional.

So the taste was terrible, and the smell was rank, but Game-Day Ice didn't clinch the title of Worst Beer Ever until 5am the next morning, when I started what would prove to be a seven hour vomit-fest. I threw-up everything I had ever eaten in my entire life, violently. I couldn't keep down ice, which I found someone ironic. Maybe more unfortunate than ironic... Anyway, Game-Day Ice is now a swear word in our house. It should not be consumed by anyone, its not even fit to be cooked with.

Game-Day Ice, Earning my lowest beer rating ever: F

Nobody likes a winner

2011-11-28T18:40:00.000-08:00

I've gotten pretty good at picking out mediocre beers to review, and my most recent choice, Olympia, had real promise.

Retro label, limited information on the box, tell-nothing slogan, $7.99 for a twelve pack; All the signs were there.

Olympia is an American Adjunct Lager, which is quickly becoming my favorite type of beer to review. In the back of my head, I'm always comparing American Lagers to Budweiser, and I'm learning that its harder to emulate Budweiser than you might think; most of the time you end up with skunky fart juice.

However I admit, the box is pretty cool, in a stuff-you-find-in-your-grandparent's-basement kind of way. It looks like a failed attempt at Halloween-themed Poland Springs campaign. And the slogan, "It's the Water" apparently refers to the quality of water used in the beer making process, but I had to go online and find that out.

On to the review. My first observation was that Olympia had remarkably rich color, head, and lacing. Far better than your average American Lager.

If you recall my last review of Silver Stallion, it was the worst beer I have ever reviewed, and possibly the worst I've ever tasted. So, I was a little hesitant to try something new. I allowed my fiancee to take the first sip, after which he remarked, "It's beer." He's my junior reviewer.

It's a good beer, not a great beer, but even so I'm at a loss for words. I've never had an opportunity to review a good beer before. Its got an enjoyable light taste that doesn't turn rank when it warms. Maybe there's something in the water afterall.

I give Olympia B- within its field. I prefer it over Budweiser, merely for its hipster appeal. There. I said it.

A Beer in Review

2011-11-06T21:00:00.000-08:00

I have been writing reviews of mediocre beer for over a year now. Not as often as I would like to, but often enough to see a trend. I drink I lot of random crap.

Today we will be looking at Silver Stallion. Found at the same discount grocery store that introduced me such gems as Hamm's and Tecate, Silver Stallion is an American lager brewed by City Brewing Company, the brewery that is responsible for Game-Day Light. Now, Silver Stallion was $2.99 for a six pack and that is twice the price of the Game-Day Light, so one can assume that it would be twice as good. One would be wrong.

An entire post could be devoted just to the labeling on the can, but I'll keep it brief.

First of all, the lettering is reminiscent of bottle of blue Gatorade. Secondly, the title Silver Stallion sounds more like a pet-name that you give your geriatric lover than is does an American lager. Although interesting enough, the beer is equally gag-inducing. Beer companies love referencing horses in their name, remember Caballo Extra? If I ever make a beer, I'm going to call it Donkey Punch.

As the label indicates, it is best served cold, very cold. In fact, it could probably benefit from a couple of ice cubes. It happens to be the exact color that your pee is the morning after you drink heavily, a phenomenon that I fondly refer to as the "Betsy-Wetsy Effect". The beer smells like apple cider vinegar mixed with farts, and tastes like warm Coors Light. On a more positive note, its highly carbonated.

That is the only positive note.

Awkward things to say to a stranger

2011-11-01T09:04:00.000-07:00

Part II of the endless series "Awkward things to say to a stranger" Front Desk Edition!

A man walks in and asked if his wife had been in yet.

"Nope! You beat her! I mean, you got here first. I don't mean you beat her. There's no way I'd know that. I haven't even seen her."

Awkward things to say to a stranger

2011-11-01T08:56:00.000-07:00

In conjunction with my future segment called, "Weird things I say at an Interview" I present to you,

Awkward Things to Say to a Stranger, eleven-year-old girl edition:

"Your family lives over on Halifax? That's a nice neighborhood. Someday I hope to make enough money to rent a home out there. I'm just kidding. That'll never happen."

What was more awkward was that the joke totally landed, and she let out this ridiculous single "HA!". I finally found my target market.

In defense of Game Day Light

2011-09-15T11:57:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to prove that there must be SOMETHING to appreciate about Game Day Light, we decided to attempt the Beer Can Chicken project. The simple (and ridiculously cheap) recipe was as follows:

Chicken from Nugget Market (99 cents/lb)

Brown Sugar (negligible cost)

Beer can stand from Grocery Outlet (2.99)

One can on Game Day Light (25 cents)

We played with our food a little. This is the before picture, it makes me cringe, but I love it. We baked the chicken in the oven for about an hour and a half. Our house reeked of booze. We had to light a candle, but then it just smelled like apple blossom farts. I would suggest not lighting a candle, and just rolling with the booze-y smell.

This meal would have easily fed four people. The end result was a crispy, moist, delicious chicken. We served it with Spanish rice. Incredibly easy, very cheap, and most importantly, appreciated.

Take that cynic critics!

Side note: next time, I would put down tin foil to catch the drippings. that pan will never be the same.

Thank Heaven.

2011-09-12T12:44:00.000-07:00

Seven Eleven has come out with convenience-store-quality beer. Finally.

While shopping at my local over-stock discount food store, and I was surprised to find a 12-pack of a previously unheard of beverage, Game-Day Light, for just $2.99. Without any deliberation about why a 12-pack of beer might be $2.99, I bought it. After all, it is advertised as a "Premium Beer". They wouldn't just say that.

And I was in good company. Immediately after I picked one up, a drunk (I can assume) Asian kid came up and filled his cart. When I saw him in the parking lot later, I asked if he had ever tried Game Day Light. He said that he had, and it was "Definitely, definitely worth 3 dollars." Which, not surprisingly, has become Game Day Light's new official slogan.

Originally introduced to the market in April of 2010, not much has been said of the beer. Of the reviews I could find, Game Day Light has been described as having a "pond water" quality. Reviewers also suggest drinking it ice cold, because of the 'rotten vegetable' taste that comes through as it warms. One reviewer claimed "there is nothing to appreciate about this beer." My go-to site for beer ratings, Beer Advocate, gives it an overall rating of D-.

All that being said, the 7-Eleven website boasted that the new beer won a Gold Medal in 2010 from the U.S. Open Beer Championship in the American Light Beer category. Which is pretty much the same thing as my mom bragging about how smart/funny/pretty I am to all her friends. What I mean is, parent-companies tend to be a little bias.

As for my own review, all I can say is that it was Definitely, Definitely, worth 3 dollars.

Summer Vacation

2011-08-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

I've been on a little summer break.
Still doing comedy, just in a less blogger way.

check out www.blacktopcomedy.com and find out.

Focal Jokes

2011-07-27T19:22:00.000-07:00

For those of you who appreciate a little optical-themed humor in your life, here are a few one-liners*. Feel free to try any of these out on your bitter, listless co-workers for a laugh**.

What do you call glasses that are only worn in New Hampshire?
Live free of Die-focals

What sort of glasses did George Washington wear?
I can not tell a lie-focals

What glasses were worn by the Four Seasons?
Big Girls Don't Cry-focals

What are the worst glasses to wear to your blind date?
That chick used to be a guy-focals

Nostalgic Buddy Holly glasses?
Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie-focals

Glasses you wear to let everyone know you hate phonies?
Catcher In The Rye-focals

Glasses that help you meet people?
Don't be so shy-focals

What do you call glasses that a penguin wears?
I wish I could fly-focals

And Finally...

Glasses that give you a terrible idea for a Tom Cruise Movie?
The Last Samurai-focals

Get it?! We replaced the word 'Bi' with other rhyming words!! And, yes. We think we are very funny. If you're trying to decide on which one of us (my brother or myself) is more corny, I suggest you throw on a pair of It's a Tie-focals.
Come up with a few of your own if you think you're so great.

*I can't take credit for most of these. They were my brothers idea.
** caution: you may be the only person laughing.

A brief word on New England

2011-07-25T14:27:00.000-07:00

If one more person says "How 'Bout this weather?" I can not be held responsible for my reaction.

Stop hitting yourself.

Happy Fathers Day

2011-06-18T21:43:00.000-07:00

Unless you haven't heard endlessly about this already, I come from a long line of classy Bostonian Irishman. My grandfather* is affectionately referred to as 'The Silver Fox', a nickname that I thought was unique to him until I was well into my teens, wherein I discovered everyone knows someone they refer to as 'the silver fox'. Until that point, I just assumed everyone knew my grandfather.

He is everything a stereotypical Irish grandfather should be. He's the perfect balance of quietly witty, and frighteningly stern. He watches college football, and listens to baseball on the radio. One of my fondest memories of him was when I was 15, and he told me while at a family party that I'd really filled out, then followed the comment immediately with, "Like, in your face.".

The Silver Fox is a beer drinker, but it seems like every time we go to visit him, we bring him a bottle of wine. Because that's what an 85-year-old man needs, a bottle of wine to go with his Sam Adams. Not being much of a wine drinker, he has developed his own way of determining how good a bottle of gift-wine is. A few minutes after we arrive, TSF takes the wine upstairs where I can only imagine he has a giant wine-related reference book, because there is no way he uses the internet (its a fad), and looks up the MSRP of that particular bottle of wine. How much he will enjoy his glass of wine is determined by the results of this research. Its an art.

And so with that, let us raise our glasses of $1.33 beers to our fathers. May they remain in our lives so long that they achieve awkward cult-like followings.

*I would have written a post about my own father, but he knows how to use the internet, and therefore, may someday read this -- I love you, daddy!

Self Esteem

2011-06-05T21:45:00.000-07:00

In your face. In ALL off your faces!!

That will be my mantra this week.

Future post topics: 'I got punched in the mouth today' and 'its not easy being mean'.

Thoughts on a walk...

2011-05-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking of changing my name to Ralph. And then starting my own dog walking business. That way, my slogan can be "Dogs ask for me by name!"

Instead of a video post

2011-05-19T13:52:00.000-07:00

I tried to video blog this morning, but the resolution was really low, and instead of trying to fix it, I just said, forget it.

So, instead, here is "Kim Speaks the News" in print:

I was surprised when I found out about the Shriver-Schwarzenegger divorce. I thought the whole 'opposites attract' thing really worked for them. I think what disappoints me most is that just when I thought California had rid themselves of the Governator, suddenly he's everywhere.

And speaking of things I've heard enough of, Charlie Sheen has never been more popular OR talked about. He'd like everyone to think he planned that. But we know he didn't, hes just crazy.

Theres more stuff I don't want to hear any more about, but I wont subject you to it.

In local news, there are parts of Sacramento that I don't ever want to visit at night. Although, it is nice to hear from a stranger how pretty I am, it sounds less sincere when they hit me up for money right after.

Its Saturday

2011-05-14T08:13:00.000-07:00

I definitely feel excluded from the TGIF excitement. I work on Saturdays, so when someone comes into the office on Friday, and congratulates me for making it through the week, I don't know what to say. Its like if a runner finished a race, and then jumped in a golf cart to taunt the people who are still running. Next time someone TGIfs, I'm going to pull their hair.

Home Town Pride

2011-05-09T11:49:00.000-07:00

New England, you're my home, but sometimes I tell people I don't know you.

Home Town Pride from Kimberly Warren on Vimeo.

Swear. Ta. God.

2011-05-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

One person should not have to do this much to prove she isn't a racist.

IsweartoGodI'mNotRacist from Kimberly Warren on Vimeo.

Day off

2011-05-03T14:52:00.000-07:00

I love a day when I can sit back and watch television.

It leaves me with questions though. Like:

Why would three woman go out for lunch and order Dannon Light & Fit Yogurt?

I had briefly wondered why the television assumed that I needed life insurance, weight loss drugs, and dating websites just because I was watching a Martha marathon. But I figured that one out.

Uhh-oh..

2011-05-01T10:20:00.000-07:00

Having a hangover from not drinking the night before may be a sign of alcoholism. But it also may be my body punishing me for missed opportunities. Its all a matter of how you look at the world.

Maybe I should just be a Toy'R'Us kid...

2011-04-24T17:07:00.000-07:00

Here is a brief list of things that I celebrate, even though I should probably pretend I don't:

Paying Rent
Showing up on time to my job
Eating on clean plates
Ordering fancy coffees
Zipping my fly before I leave the house, and not after
Owning a Cat
Remembering to feed the cat
House plants
Clean underwear
Having multiple kinds of juice in the fridge

Driving is Dangerous

2011-04-17T18:12:00.000-07:00

When an SUV cuts in front of you, and you yell out that you hope they burn in Hell, just in time to read their "Breast Cancer Surviver" bumper sticker... should you attempt to retract your statement? I mean, its not like I wished the breast cancer on her, at least, I don't think that was the same lady.

Thats Presbyopia!

2011-04-10T14:25:00.000-07:00

Presbyopia is a natural part of the aging process, where your eyes loss the ability to focus, making it really hard
to see things up close. You might find yourself struggling to read menus, or holding the newspaper further away.

Ever find yourself baffled by how your friends are aging so much worse than you are? Well, they're not. You just can't see that you're just as wrinkled, and you're well on your way to having a full beard. And thats Presbyopia!

And heres another crazy tiger sweater I found:

Ebay, you're the one for me

2011-04-09T20:03:00.000-07:00

So, I've re-rediscovered Ebay. Since finding it yesterday, I've already purchased some beautiful Waterford Crystal, and I'm currently watching auctions for a Tiffany sterling bowl, a few vintage wedding dresses, and a whaling harpoon. Mike said that he doesn't want a harpoon unless it actually killed actual whales. I think he might have to settle for a tuna killing harpoon. But on a slightly more practical note, I'm starting to get a little obsessed with searching for over-sized sweaters with glittery tigers on them. Like this one:

I know I'm a little young to be giving up on trying to be taken seriously. But you know, why start now?

TWEET TWEET

2011-04-01T22:17:00.000-07:00

I joined tweeter. And I know what you're thinking, and f you. I don't care how lame it is. I don't have anything important to say that can't be said in 140 characters or less.

Kimwarrior

Ask a stupid question.

2011-03-30T20:07:00.000-07:00

"Why are there socks on the couch?" -me
"Because I took my socks off. See? No socks." - mike

I have to remember to avoid asking rhetorical questions to a PhD student.

Argh.

2011-03-19T07:52:00.000-07:00

At what age do you stop getting shampoo in your eyes? because I want to be that age.

So this is growing up?

2011-03-18T23:17:00.000-07:00

I have always hated change. It didn't matter how slight, I hated it. When my mom used to clean my room (yeah, my mom used to clean my room, so what? jealous much?) I couldn't watch; it sent me into a panic attack. Whenever anyone used to tell me they were thinking about moving from one apartment to another, or changing jobs, or dating someone new, I was against it. Fervently, and without reason. I recognized it as an immature part of my personality, and always I hoped that someday I would grow out of it. I assumed the nature pattern of growth would be that I would realize within my heart of hearts that that other person's actions had no baring on my life, and I have no right to act as if I have any say in what they do, or do not do. But that wasn't the case. Although, just recently, I've noticed I no longer boil at the thought of other people's change, it isn't because I respect that their decisions are their own. Its just that I no longer give a crap.

Is this what being an adult feels like?

The road to Hell

2011-03-11T19:26:00.000-08:00

I spend a pretty decent amount of time at work being belittled by the general public, I really don't know why it still bothers me so much. I mean, I do the job of a seventeen year old high school student, but do people have to rub it in all the time? Isn't that in itself enough? Of course not.
Recently, a woman came in for an appointment, and she was blatantly ignoring everything I was saying to her. She hardly spoke to me while I was trying to do her pre-testing. I asked her to have a seat, and she just stood there, waiting for the doctor. But the doctor was going to be a few minutes, so I insisted she have a seat, and she wouldn't. People think that just because I work in retail, I'm a second class citizen. Or because they've got a PhD in some obscure subject they can treat me like crap or pretend I'm invisible. F them. After she was finished with her exam, I was asked to help her with her glasses, and, wouldn't you know it, she's a deaf lady.

So, I'm really making strides in purchasing my reserved seat in Hell.

I hate that girl.

2011-03-08T21:05:00.000-08:00

With the amount of "little parts of me" that have died since I've graduated college, I'm surprised there is still anything left to kill.

Short Mess

2011-03-01T12:14:00.000-08:00

I try to get as much accomplished on my days off as I can.
Today, I wanted to fix the new pair of jeans I bought. They're a 'regular' length, and I am not a regular lengthed person, but I figured it would be no big deal to hem them. Then I found out we were out of staples, so that ruined that plan. At first, I was frustrated that Mike used the staples toward his PhD endeavors when I had planned on using them on my pant legs, but then I remembered that I was probably the last person to use the stapler when the hem fell out of my work pants last week, so I wont mention it.
I would just wear heels, but that never looks normal on me. Long jeans with heels make me look like a midget on stilts. But that might not be such a bad thing. People love midgets.

Other day-off goals? Clean the freezer. Take down the Christmas lights. Do my laundry. Make dinner. Other totally normal adult things.

Coming out

2011-02-28T10:34:00.000-08:00

Recently I have started telling more people I want to be a comedian, I'm noticing a trend in their reactions. Along with the obligational, "You'll be great at that!" which I would receive regardless of what I told them I wanted to do with my life (Teacher? You're a natural! Lawyer? You'd be excellent! Zoo keeper? The job market couldn't be better!), I was surprised by the amount of people who told me they'd always known I'd be a comedian.

Always known? Honestly? I only realized it like, a year ago. If they always knew, why couldn't they have told me? This must be what it feels like to realize you're gay; then immediately realize you're the last one to have figured it out.

Conflicted

2011-02-23T20:16:00.001-08:00

I love reality television, but I hate high pitched screaming.

Sicko

2011-02-22T11:43:00.000-08:00

So, it amazes me that in a matter of a few days, I could go from perfectly healthy, so healthy that I would rub my healthiness in the faces of sick people, to half dead with some sort of monster cold. And no, I haven't ever heard of karma.

Being a sick person has a few benefits though. Its the only time where you can be visibly inebriation at work, and your co-workers will pity you. You can wander around a grocery store in your pajamas and its almost justified. But aside from those two things, there are no benefits.

I can say without a doubt Nyquil is the best cold medicine out there. Other than tasting like a mix of gum drops and Jager, its perfect. I've been a walking meth lab for two days now, and nothing works as well as Nyquil. Its the night-time, sniffling, sneezing, kill-anything-that-moves cold medicine. Its what you take when you want to just sleep until its over.

Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T19:38:00.000-08:00

Oh, Valentine's Day. The day when we gorge ourselves on cheap chocolate, or occasionally, really expensive chocolate that was brought into the office for someone else but you take a little anyway and hope they wont find out it was you. A day where we're obligated to tell our significant others that we love them, while also making them feel guilty for not being as romantic as that other couple you know.

Its also my half-birthday, which means that, although Valentine's Day isn't my favorite holiday, February 14th is still one of the most important days of the year. So, while you may be sick from waxy milk chocolate and sappy cards, and bitter from lack-luster semi-romantic gestures, at least I'm here to brighten your day.

<3 .... its a heart.

And you said there wasn't anything on TV..

2011-02-06T12:21:00.000-08:00

It has come to my attention that The Nanny is back on television. What the hell were you thinking, 1995? The only thing that could have made that show more grating is if Gilbert Godfrey played opposite Fran Drescher. Even on mute, the show is offensive.

Thanks TVLand, for dragging that dead horse out to beat.

Would you like Paper, or Shame?

2011-02-03T14:37:00.000-08:00

I went to pick up a few things for dinner today, and at check-out the cashier asked for my ID, and then asked me if I was a student. Now, I'm standing there, a 20-something, in a shirt that is covered in cat hair, buying cheap beer at noon on a Thursday, with an out-of-state ID, so I don't exactly blame the woman for thinking I was a student. But I still felt like saying: No, I'm not a student, I'm just an adult who doesn't have her shit together. But I told her I was, because college students get a 5% discount. I might not have my shit together, but I know a deal when I see it.

What you see isn't always what you get

2011-01-27T17:44:00.000-08:00

So, note to self: 5 pm isn't a perfect time to try to make a video; bandwidth is low.

What you see isn't always what you get from Kimberly Warren on Vimeo.

I made some resolutions

2011-01-27T16:26:00.000-08:00

So, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm not feeling very funny this week. But it never hurts to try.

48 takes later:

The Importance of Lists from Kimberly Warren on Vimeo.

Funk

2011-01-25T21:52:00.000-08:00

So, absolutely nothing funny has happened all week. I could really use a break.

Welcome back to the Video World

2011-01-18T13:55:00.000-08:00

Here I am, after three months of not video blogging, here are three new entries...

One:

I'm back! from Kimberly Warren on Vimeo.

Two:

Moral Bankruptcy from Kimberly Warren on Vimeo.

Three:

Gushers from Kimberly Warren on Vimeo.

How to create an awkward little girl

2011-01-11T18:59:00.000-08:00

Today I met an eleven-year-old girl who was getting her first pair of glasses. Her mother told me that next week the girl is going to have braces put on. This means that, by next year, she'll be in the seventh grade with glasses and braces. And everyone knows that the seventh grade is single cruelest thing ever created (this list goes something like, The seventh grade, Hitler, the DMV, and so on*), and I really wanted to say something to make her feel better, because the mother had gone to the trouble to tell me she was getting braces, but all I could come up with was, "I had glasses and braces at your age. If nothing else, it'll give you a lot of material for your future comedy routine."

Its my ability to give stellar life lessons that makes me a good optometric technician. Maybe.

*I know what you're probably thinking. Hilter is eviler than the seventh grade. Well, you can just go right on believing that if you want, but all I'm saying is, Hitler had to endure the seventh grade. And if his seventh grade experience was anything like my seventh grade experience, it explains a lot of his lifestyle choices.

CaliMonter

2011-01-09T20:40:00.000-08:00

In continuation of my Gross Food Photography string, I present you with our dinner for a few nights ago:

We still haven't stocked our house with all the normal foods, so we had to get creative with dinner. Mike came up with this wonderful East-coast-meets-West-coast sandwich which, thankfully, tasted a whole lot better than it looked.

The sandwich, which we named the Calimonter, is a hot turkey sandwich on buttered sourdough rye bread, with Vermont cheddar sage cheese, avocado, onions, and jalapeño stuffed olives. It deserves a spot in the gross food photography hall of fame.

Take a letter, Maria.

2011-01-08T08:28:00.000-08:00

The lady at the post office is out to get me. I got caught trying to illegally ship alcohol across the country one time, and suddenly I'm a menace to society. Even if I did pitch a pretty epic fit, that was weeks ago. She should be over it by now. Every time I go in there now, she's giving me stink eye like I'm some kind of criminal. I cut my hair, and she still recognizes me. There are 20 thousand nondescript blonde-ish women in Davis, and she STILL recognizes me. I'm going to have to start paying my co-workers to go to the post office for me.

Ugly Duckling

2011-01-05T19:26:00.000-08:00

I've always loved my grandfather-esque clothing. I know I've said this before, but they make me feel like Tina Fey. Or like Peggy from Madmen, if I was really convinced there was someone cute under there. I've always felt like my frumpy wardrobe gave me an understated cuteness, as if to suggest that if I just put in a little effort I could be really, really cute. Like the female fashion equivalent to the Clark Kent/Superman thing. All I'd have to do is take off the glasses, and the over-sized sweater, and the big jeans that give me no butt, and shower every once in a while, and I'd be cute. But the thing that I should have learned for the Clark Kent/Superman this is that people are really easily fooled by even the most basic disguise. I dress frumpy, therefore I am frumpy.

Quack Quack.

2010 was a very good year

2010-12-31T22:12:00.000-08:00

Dear grown-ass man who we just saw riding a bicycle while dragging an office chair behind him on a rope,
Exactly how drunk were you?
Were you planning on carrying passengers? Because thats not safe.

Also, happy new year. I can only hope 2011 brings more of the same.

Thank you for flying

2010-12-29T18:42:00.000-08:00

If airport security profiling exists, then I'm going to have to assume the TSA is keeping an eye out for small, white, blonde girls. I got pulled aside at every check point. I got a full body scan, then my laptop got swabbed to be tested for chemicals, then my carry-on got sent threw the scanner twice, and then after all that the carry on ended up having to be checked.

Its a good thing we show up early. Every time we plan to take a plane, we're there at least three hours before we need to board. Honestly, I really don't mind the wait; it gives me an opportunity to catch up on all that back-logged Facebook stalking and drink heavily without guilt. Not that I tend to carry a whole lot of guilt about that sort of thing, but an excuse never hurts.

I was dreaming of a White Christmas

2010-12-24T16:29:00.000-08:00

My holiday season has always ended up being a blur. I don't think I have ever had a Christmas Eve that I've remembered in my entire adult life. I have never be able to contribute to any story that started with "Remember last Christmas when.." Because the answer is always flatly "No." I could try to blame it on Christmas magic; or me getting black-out drunk, but its neither. Its actually a very precise formula, one that sometimes involves no alcohol at all. See, its one part brand new Christmas Eve jammies, one part giant traditional Christmas Eve dinner, a heavy dose of a roaring fire, and a generous helping of my mother telling me to "eat, eaat!", and churning out endless amounts of cookies and sweet breads. Suddenly, I drink a thimble of eggnog and I'm out like a light.

And now its time to sip Cosmopolitans and watch "White Christmas" with my mom until we pass out, six minutes from now. God Bless us, every one.

Keep on Travelin'

2010-12-18T07:56:00.000-08:00

I hate packing. I think I spend so much time selecting my outfits before a trip because its easier for me to think, "But what if I step in something wet, and I need an extra pair of dry socks?" than, "But what if the plane goes down and we all die a terrible painful death?"

But my favorite part of getting ready to leave is eating all the food in the house. By the last day we've got nothing but milk, celery, a chunk of cheese, and apple juice. I feel like the Macgyver of dinners, if Macgyver just threw stuff out and bought pizza. We also have very similar hair.

Hot to Talented Ratio: Cartoonists

2010-12-12T20:30:00.000-08:00

If theres one thing professional snowboarding has taught me, its that if you're a hot girl, you don't actually have to possess any raw natural talent to be wildly successful.

Well, it turns out the same goes for cartooning. If you're a girl who is even mildly attractive, any drunken scribble you create on Microsoft Paint can win you internet fame. Now, I'm not saying ugly people can't be famous; I'm just saying ugly women can't be famous. Men don't have to be pretty to be successful, in fact, sometimes just the opposite is true; look at Shawn White. When I asked my brother, a notable online cartoonist, if he'd noticed the trend of not very talented but popular female cartoonists, he confirmed, "yup, thats a thing". And thats all the investigative journalism I need. Its also all the investigative journalism I did.

I'm not even sure that a good female cartoonist can be hot. Cartoonists and their cartoon groupies are, as a general population, pale, awkward, basement dwellers. Which might explain why being a beautiful woman means more to them than being a good cartoonist, but I think hot female cartoonists might be like thin chefs. You have to be suspicious; they obviously aren't eating what they cook.

I've got Standards.

2010-12-03T20:40:00.000-08:00

So, tomorrow is the big day. I take the standardized test that everyone in California has to take to be a substitute teacher. And I know that logically, the worst thing that could happen is that I fail, and I'd have to re-take the test. But emotionally, the worst thing that could happen is that I fail, and my whole life will be over. I'll wake up in a hell where every bathroom door is locked, and can only be unlocked by multiplying fractions.

Yes. Worst case scenario: I'd pee myself.

Google Analytics

2010-11-30T07:44:00.000-08:00

To the person who Googled "why are some people in bhutan aren't getting clean water" and ended up on my site, I am pretty sure you did not find what you were looking for. Also, your grammar is terrible.

And now, a little something Extra

2010-11-27T22:41:00.000-08:00

I finally found an obscure beer that Coors hasn't bought yet! I found Caballo Extra at our local SaveMart for on 3.99 a six pack. Its bottled in clear glass so that, I assume, so you can see how good it looks.

'Caballo' means 'Horse' in Spanish, which makes this light bodied beer slightly educational, because I learned a new Spanish word.

What else can I say about Caballo Extra... Well, its a beer. Its imported from El Salvador. Online reviews give it a "D" grade and suggested avoiding it. Thats right; not just not drinking it, but actively avoiding it when you see it in the grocery store. Other reviewers have noted it has a distinct aroma of 'skunky cabbage', and flavor that suggested it may have been brewed from actual horses.

But this kind of a home-run central american cerveza can't be independent forever, so I've gone ahead and created the logo for mega-conglomerate integration. Coors Miller, you're welcome.

From the Land of Sky Blue Waters...

2010-11-20T21:36:00.000-08:00

I kind of thought, living in California, I'd be trying all sorts of new wines; becoming a real wine expert--which is a great way to be a drunk and not have to apologize for your lifestyle-- but I've been too distracted by all the new varieties of cheap beer.

Like Hamm's. Its America's Classic Premium Beer, Born in the Land of Sky Blue Waters. Those are their words, not mine. And if you want to learn more about Hamm's, I don't suggest Google-ing "Ham Beer".

Hamm's is from the Coors Miller family of beers. Reaffirming my belief that if Coors Miller was ever an actual family, I wouldn't want to be their neighbor. Anyway, Mike and I have had a fun evening, Hamming it up with real zingers like, "Who drank my Hamm?" and the deliciousness of a "Rack of Hamm", "Canned Hamm". Yeah, the stuff pretty much sells itself.

Reversed Racism

2010-11-20T09:11:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week one of my Asian co-workers reminded me to follow up with the patient I'd been helping earlier. Except I hadn't helped anyone earlier; I had just signed onto my shift. She thought she was talking to my other blonde co-worker. I was finally able to shout, "You people think we all look alike, don't you!" without irony.

Ohhh nuts.

2010-11-16T17:57:00.000-08:00

I was on a mission today to clean our Apartment. I vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the stove top and the counters, and right after doing all the dishes, I remembered we have a dishwasher. I spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch.

Miscommunication

2010-11-11T17:39:00.000-08:00

Its not often that I actually try to look like an ignorant racist, it usually just happens.

I love the nail salon next to my apartment complex. Its run by two ridiculously nice Asian women. I went in there one time the first week we were in Davis, and when I walked in yesterday, they remembered me. Thats all it takes to be 'ridiculously nice' as far as I'm concerned.

One of the girls, Kaylee, makes excellent small talk. She asked me what I was doing for the holidays, and when I told her I was going to the East Coast to visit my family she told me her family lives in Buthan. I thought, thats cool. I've heard of Buthan. Couldn't point it out on a map, but I've heard of it. I'm assuming its someplace in Asia, thats probably safe bet. Well, as it turns out, she was saying "Boston". Her mom and dad live in Boston. She's actually from New Hampshire. Which, along with being one of those "wow, it's a small world" things, also explains why she had such a terrible grasp on the English Language.

Wait. Theres more.

2010-11-07T22:33:00.002-08:00

At my new job, I spend a good chunk of my day working in retail. Which, if you didn't already know, means that I deserve about the same amount of respect you'd give a used Kleenex. At least thats the case in Davis.

But its not like the people don't care about anything around here. At the very least, they care a lot about looking like they care a lot. They are, after all, wearing a bracelet that shows they donated a dollar to help provide clean water to a village in Africa. But that doesn't mean they'll look me in the face.

And to be fair, not everyone around here is like that, even. Some people's condescending nature is so deeply embedded that they don't even know that they're being condescending. For example: Without fail, at some point during my work day-- usually immediately after a customer finds out I'm a college graduate, and not just some trashy bum(although let it be known that there is no trash in Davis. We all recycle)-- I get "the look". The "what did you do so wrong in your life that you ended up here?" look. Which is suppose to be sympathy, but its like going to the Zoo and pitying the monkeys. You don't actually feel bad for those monkeys, but you want people to think you do; you want the monkeys to think you do. The truth is, you love seeing the monkeys there in their cages, throwing feces. It makes you feel good about yourself. You hardly ever throw feces.

This week, I had a guy tell me that he used to be a construction worker, but now he's an undergraduate, studying English. I said, "I have my Bachelors in English. Looking at me is kind of like looking into the future. All of this could be yours." And he gave me a look like that was the worst thing I ever could have said to him.

Aren't we just adorable?

2010-10-30T19:30:00.003-07:00

The short answer: Yes.

Tonight Michael and I had a few ideas that may make us rich. So, I'm going to go ahead and say copyright all over the post. and all other posts, for that matter.

Are you Ready? Ok.

We've thought of inventing fart-proof light beer. Mainly for the excellent commercials it will surely bring. Just think, just like Coke Zero has a small 'Splenda' logo on it's can, Bud Light could someday have its own 'Beano' logo. Yeah, He's getting his PhD, and just happens to be wicked smart.

Second, we've come up with a store called "Beer, Bath, and Beyond" Which is exactly like Bed Bath and Beyond, but with a bar. Just imagine a kitchen and bath store where you can also get a beer.

Yeah, I realize that both our genius ideas involve cheap ways to increase consumer spending and alcohol consumption, but contrary to common belief, the stuff does not sell itself. They're not cigarettes, you know.

My Day Off

2010-10-26T20:08:00.005-07:00

I cherish my time off. Time to sleep in late, watch tv, and potentially do other things.

Todays 'other things' included going to Woodland and trying to find work-appropriate clothing. I had planned on going to Marshalls, but I was distracted by a thrift store across the street. So, I went there instead.

I'd like to tell you I go to these places for the people watching, and although it WAS excellent people watching, I go to these places because I'm ridiculously cheap, and I don't feel like my work clothes are worth paying full price. Also, I can shamelessly listen to 90s soft rock while I shop. Walking into a super-sized thrift store is a lot like traveling back to the 90s. Beyond Boys to Men on the loud speaker, there are an endless supply of old fax machines, large corded telephones, and all the women's clothing come with shoulder pads. And not the cool, fashionable shoulder pads- bit bad ass, line-backer shoulder pads. Because when I go to an interview, I want my suit to subtly say "I might tackle you."

I'm starting to see how my fashion sense could have been mistaken for that of an old man.

Spooky Scary

2010-10-26T10:36:00.004-07:00

In case you hadn't notice, Halloween is less than a week away. Last year, I bought tons of candy. I figured we'd need it; we lived in a well-established neighborhood in the middle of town. But much to my chagrin, my elderly neighbors turned all their lights off to discourage trick or treating; a tactic that worked surprisingly well. We had left over candy until Easter. So, after that epic disappointment, I'm wondering if I should buy any candy at all. But then, theres always that very slim chance we might get totally hammered (I mean-- a lot of kids might come by. Lets be honest, theres more than just a slim chance I'm going to get hammered). Just in case, I'd better buy eight bags of candy. You know, just in case.

AARP Couture

2010-10-23T08:42:00.007-07:00

One of my co-workers told me the other day that I remind them of a Grandpa.

Fashion has never been a friend of mine. I always try to make my personal style look effortless, but instead it always ends up looking like I didn't even try.

I thought I'd caught my break when the whole smart-is-sexy thing started popping up around Davis. Geek Chic, if you will. Sort of like a play on Hipsters, without the attitude. But you really need to be naturally beautiful to pull off a look like that, because otherwise a frumpy Mr. Rogers sweater and a pair of loafers just make you look, well, frumpy. And loafish. And thats where I find myself on most days. I'm trying for a sort of Tina Fey on 30 Rock look, but I end up with more of a Fred Mertz.

There is nothing funny about my job

2010-10-16T18:52:00.004-07:00

Why do educated people have to be so serious all the time? At my last job, if a man fell slow-motion slip-and-slide style off of a rolling chair, I would have laughed it off, helped him up, and moved on. When it happens at my current job, the guy alludes to a law suit. Don't get my wrong; I still laughed, but the law suit thing made it way darker. Its like people around here are trying to murder my fun.

Everyone I bring into the exam room looks at me like I've got a God damned parrot on my shoulder. Except theres a woman in town who walks around with an actual parrot on her shoulder, and she gets more respect than I do. At the risk of sounding like a petite blonde Rodney Dangerfield, ... I don't even have to say it. Just imagine a petite, blonde Rodney Dangerfield, and you'll begin to understand why no one respects me.

And I know you educated people were told at some point in your life that there are no such thing as stupid questions, and although that might be true, it doesn't mean your questions aren't wasting my time. I mean, lets be realistic here, I have the responsibilities of a Gap employee, do you really have to know what my certifications are? Stop asking questions.

Awkward Out-takes and Bathroom Blogging

2010-10-11T15:42:00.003-07:00

After trying to record a video blog post for over an hour, and getting really frustrated with the process, this was the only thing I came up with that was even remotely funny to me:

Awkward Out-take from Kimberly Warren on Vimeo.

But, seeing as I'm trying to update more frequently, here is an actual video post:

Look! I'm in a Bathroom! from Kimberly Warren on Vimeo.

Facebook Foodie

2010-10-10T20:03:00.002-07:00

Its that time again. Back to school (okay, so I'm like a month late, but I needed time to build material). Back to posting compulsively on Facebook about how you spent your day.

So, you made dinner for your boyfriend (who you call 'hubby' which is so much less cute than it is sad), and regardless of the fact the meal is bathed in cheese, and is completely unrecognizable as food, you have taken a picture of it and posted it on Facebook. It must be the cold weather that has driven us all indoors and caused this sudden surge in food photography, but it makes me realize that I am just an amateur in the art of gross food photos, and you, Facebook food photographer, are the true master.

Lie to Make Friends

2010-10-05T17:54:00.006-07:00

Here is the second of two Video Blog posts.

Lie to Make Friends on Vimeo.

Welcome to the World of Video

2010-10-05T16:22:00.005-07:00

Here is my very first Video Blog entry. I know I can't stop making weird faces, just be nice.

The Truth about Teleconferencing from Kimberly Warren on Vimeo.

Say what?

2010-10-03T10:51:00.004-07:00

Even though I was only unemployed for a month, I quickly forgot how much work it is to roll out of bed at 8am and do something other than watch Will and Grace reruns all morning. At work, I'm expected to be nice, and wear pants-- at the same time, when everybody knows I'm nicest without pants.

I'm learning what a struggle it is to work in Northern California. The language barrier is daunting. And I'm not talking about the English to Spanish thing; I mean no one understands a G.D. word that comes out of my mouth. I talk too fast, and the only time I end a sentence in the form of a question is when I'm asking a question. I have to curb my use of sarcasm, since it apparently hasn't arrived to California yet and I don't want to scare people. And every time I say 'wicked' or 'awesome' someone breaks into a giggle and we loss track of the conversation. At this point I'm taken about as seriously as a chimpanzee dressed in people clothes, which, interestingly enough, on the scale of work-related-respect is just below 'incompetent unpaid intern', but still a notch above 'unmarried woman'. I knew I had a problem when my co-worker, whose third language is English, was asked to talk to a patient because she is easier to understand than I am.

So, if I haven't been posting as often as I had been, now you know why.

Awkward Flashback

2010-09-28T18:47:00.008-07:00

I don't have anything to write about today, so I think I'll just enlighten you as to why I turned out the way that I am today. One of many reasons.

Remember that awkward phase I went through-- the one I never exited from? Well, it started early and came on strong. And I'm not talking about when I had to wear three diapers when I was a baby; I don't even really consider that awkward, just really unfortunate. Anyway, my mom remembers me being the same height as all the other kids when kindergarten started, but by the end of the year, everyone had grown and I was still the same height. By the first grade, I was a head shorter than all the other kids. That was the same year I was in a car accident and I had to have all my hair cut off in an attempt to hide the giant bald spot, which if you're interested, I still have. Over the course of two years, add dark non-symmetrical freckles, big pink enameled Medicaid glasses, and braces. But before you add those braces, add one of those mouth spacers that is suppose to widen your jaw, because that spacer gave me a lisp that lasted all through junior high. I couldn't say anything that had a 'K' sound. And, my name is Kimberly. I still get anxious around cookies. AND I lived in a trailer-- Which was the point where I really have to say enough already. God, What the hell were you thinking? You're telling me that you created a braces wearing, glasses clad, pee-wee ginger with a lisp, and then you said "Hell, I'm going to make her poor too; that'll be a riot."

Now, in case you're suffer from the common misconception that such an awkward little girl would be 'cute',because for some reason everyone reacts that way, I would like to introduce you to this image from AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com because when I saw it, I was SO SURE that this little girl was me, that I had to do background research to make sure it wasn't. Again, this image belongs to AFP.com.

Not a Happy Camper

2010-09-26T17:48:00.009-07:00

Until today, I would have told you, with confidence, that Better Homes and Gardens comes up with the grossest pseudo-creative food in the world, but after today, I must admit Shine.com's article on Creative Birthday Cakes for Kids ...takes the cake.

In honor of my sister-in-law's birthday, here is the grossest birthday cake in the world.

You'll have to follow the link to check it out, because there is no way I'm risking copy-write infringement for such a gross image. If it was something cool, sure, but not for this.

In case you followed the link, and it didn't direct you to the exact cake I'm talking about, its number 18 of 20: the Campfire Cake. This wins the World's Grossest Cake Award (WGCA) because it has multiple layers of fail. First, the concept. Camping? What kid aspires to be a camper above all other things? Sure, some kids like fire trucks, or princesses, but Jimmy just wants to sleep outside. Its like the birthday cake equivalent to giving out pennies on Halloween.
Second, as awful as this cake looks, it must taste worse. Tortillas, coconut, pretzels, peanuts, and a cake. What are you-- High?
Lastly, it doesn't even have the benefit of being simple. It requires one hour of prep. If I'm going to spend an hour putting together a cake, there better be some kind of Rube Goldberg machine on it by the time I'm finished.

Happy Birthday, Denise.

Dear MadMen Facebook Fans,

2010-09-26T11:35:00.005-07:00

I like it too, but it isn't real. Its a television show. Mrs. Blankenship was a character, played by an actress; no one actually died. I can understand that you'll miss the predictable comic relief she added to the show, but quit "RIP"-ing her.

Also, the characters don't think, because they're not actually people.

California Roll

2010-09-25T08:37:00.005-07:00

California is big. The whole country is big, which was news to me, because I thought Vermont was big. I thought we had big mountains, and big trees, and wide open spaces-- but I was wrong. I have a been a goldfish my whole life. My whole world view has been built around a fake plastic castle and a bubbling clam shell. And I feel like someone has dropped me in an ocean out here in California. Except, this ocean kind of smells like weed and everyone says "Cheers" and "Rad" and wear Rayban sunglasses every waking moment (I get it. you're hip).

A few days ago I was biking to work and I almost got hit, and the guy just shouted out "No worries!". No worries? You nearly hit me. Car versus Bike. Actually-- Yeah, I have a little bit of worries about that. You bum.

Panda Regular-Speed

2010-09-18T15:00:00.004-07:00

I saw my first stand-alone Panda Express restaurant recently, and apparently its a trend out here. I was under the impression Panda Express was only available in malls, but here was one all by itself, no drive through. It was a walk-in, sit-down restaurant, which begs, whats so express about that?! Do I have to take it upon myself to make my Panda meal express? Run in, scream at the cashier, throw money at her, take my rice and go? I do that at fast food chains already!

Tap the ...Orizabas?

2010-09-17T16:34:00.009-07:00

So, I have no way to confirm this, but the Mexican beer Tecate might just be Coors Light in a red can. Take a look at this:

Now, this is just laziness on the part of Coors Brewing Company; Tecate is imported by Coors. And have you seen Keystone recently? They have an almost identical label to Coors as well-- but they don't taste the same. Keystone tastes like a high school gym locker smells.

Coors Light and Tecate on the other hand taste identical. Is this like when Ford Lincoln Mercury were making identical cars with different names? Do you know what you end up with when those things happen? Two equally shitty cars. Do you even remember the tempo/topaz? Do you really want to be drinking that?! I didn't think so.

Coors, all I'm saying is, maybe you should streamline your operation. Do we really need all these different labels for the same beer? Do you want to end up like Anheuser Busch? Five different types of light beer, none of which are worth drinking?

Does a Rose by any other name sound this dumb?

2010-09-16T21:17:00.007-07:00

When I think of stereotypical Californians, a few first names come to mind: Brad, Brett, Chad, Barbie, Tori-- that sort of burn-out surfer dude with the question-mark-at-the-end-of-every-sentence girlfriend. And for the record, those people do exist, and there is a high concentration of them in California. But the names that we fictitiously give these people are dated. Those names have grown up, and had children, and they named their children even dumber names. But what adds to the ridiculousness is that these people are not stupid; this town is among the highest educated in the country, and they're not doing themselves any favors being named Poppy Bella. Do you have any idea how hard it is to take a bleach blonde 30-something named Grey Destiny seriously? While she's sitting there twirling her hair, I have no idea what she's talking about because all I can hear is my own inner voice reminding me "shes a doctor. shes a doctor. shes, like, a doctor".

Ok, In conclusion, California, I'm not saying your sons can't be named Angel, I'm just saying your contributing to a bullying epidemic that already plagues this country.

Where do I want to be in five years?

2010-09-13T09:17:00.003-07:00

A telemarketer for an online college asked me that. I didn't answer him, because he was a telemarketer. But I assume as I set up more interviews, I may have to actually answer that question, and because every interviewing website on the planet tells me I can't be funny at my interview, I might have to cough off a real answer. The logic of not being funny at an interview is that often you think you're funny, but other people don't. But I know other people don't think I'm funny. I think I'm funny, its why I'm the one laughing. But, in the spirit of getting a job, here's a list of things I wont be saying when my interviewer asks me where I see myself in five years:

"I'll be less than thirty, but more than twenty-five."
"I plan on building up some maternity leave over the next couple of years, and then just riding it out as long as I can." (I'm pretty sure mentioning anything about aspirations to start a family is a no-no. Which is funny, because its the same way in my home...)
"I'm going to have your job."
"I don't have any room for improvement, so I'll probably just continue doing what I'm doing."
"I wont be here, that's for sure."
"I don't know where I'll be, but if I'm still here working this job, I'll probably be bitter."

Alright, well, hopefully that got it out of my system. I make a notoriously bad first impression, which is why I have to turn to interviewing websites for guidance.
The websites say that if you don't have a five year plan, you'll look lazy. But the thing is, I AM lazy. My ideal work environment is a place where I don't actually have to work. And thats the kind of crap I say at interviewers, which is why I still see myself applying for jobs in five years...

How to confuse your friends

2010-09-11T12:05:00.006-07:00

Its an extreme sport in our family. And this video was posted by someone who is in my family-- no need to mention how we're related. Its the funniest thing I've seen all day, and I hope he doesn't mind that I stole it.

So, he's trying to explain how to play a simple dice game, but about 5 minutes into the explanation, I realize I would never want to ask for directions from this guy. And although I can totally see how this could quickly become fun a drinking game, if there is one thing these rules don't need, its the added complication of alcohol.

click here for the full link

Or just watch the video here:

Let the End Times Roll from Radical Warren on Vimeo.

Experimenting with Okra

2010-09-10T12:13:00.006-07:00

If my plan to take over Delilah's job when she retires doesn't work out, I think I might have to be a take gross pictures of food professionally. The food itself is never gross, but all my pictures are. Remember Bob Evans?

Well, last night and the night before, we experimented with cooking Okra. Now, everyone says cooking Okra is tricky, and there a chance it'll end up all slimy if you don't do it just right, but every Okra recipe on earth involves bacon, so I figured the benefits outweighed the risks. Our first night we cooked fried Okra, fried in what, you ask? Bacon drippings and shortening of course! The Okra taste was kind of lost in all that corn meal and bacon grease, but it was still good. Kind of like fried clam strips; same texture.

The second night we had smothered okra, which still involves bacon grease, but also includes diced tomatoes, garlic, and hot sauce. This was the winner over the two nights. It was easier to cook than the fried was, and you could really taste the okra. And judging by the seven billion recipes on the Internet, anything that you might have laying around the refrigerator is fair game.

So, thank you, really cheap okra stand at the Davis Farmer's Market, for introducing a new vegetable into our home.

Another Day, Another Market

2010-09-08T17:54:00.005-07:00

So, Wednesday is Farmer's Market Day in Davis as well as Saturday. And here's what we got this time:

The Kettle Corn in the back is Mike's, he got a little bag at the end of our shopping trip for being a good boy. All said and done, we spent 12 dollars. We'll be cooking the Okra tonight, so wish us luck.

Another interesting landmark on the way to the Farmer's Market was this:

Yes. Its the Bicycle Hall of Fame. What can I say? They like their bikes.

Express yourself

2010-09-07T18:44:00.003-07:00

So I thought Vermont had some pretty liberal people, but Davis makes Vermont look like Rush Limbaugh. If I were in the left wing bumper sticker business, I'd make a killing out here. I don't think its possible for the people in this town to have a single private thought without making a bumper sticker about it. At the very least, every car must three bumper stickers: One expressing who they voted for in 2008, one proclaiming the importance of farms/local produce/organic produce, and last but not least, one sticker dedicated to the pet of their choice.

Slow Going...

2010-09-04T13:48:00.005-07:00

If there's one thing I've learned about California in the four days I've been here, its that good things come to those who wait. And you'll do a lot of waiting here. I've always been a super fast walker, typer, talker, but in California, its even more exaggerated. Now I know how Superman felt when he'd slow down time so he could get a lot of stuff done.

Luckily, I've learned more than just one thing in the four days I've been here. Like the Chinese restaurant in the shopping plaza next to our apartment is amazing. And sometimes people at IKEA don't know what they're talking about, even when they say it in a really friendly voice. And, most recently, the farmers market in Davis on Saturday mornings is awesome.
Here's a picture I took of everything we got:

I can't wait to see what Mike makes me for dinner...

"You are a Master Ikea Shopper."

2010-09-02T21:26:00.006-07:00

Mostly it's luck.

I might get addicted to this whole buying a ton of crap wicked cheap thing.

Because we got rid of almost all of our furniture before the move, Mike and I needed a few things for our new place: Two Dressers, a sofa, three bookcases, a trash bin, and a lamp shade. We also needed Swedish meatballs, and our new neighbor was nice enough to treat us to dinner at the IKEA restaurant. $21 bucks for four adults. We are a cheap date.

We cleaned up. IKEA's As-Is section was 30% today-- so we saved 62% on everything. WOOT.

We're using some of the money we saved on home delivery, which rocks since we live on the second floor and everything is already assembled, so tomorrow we'll be rocking out, sitting on our new, delivered furniture like kings. But for now, we just have meatball breathe, which is ok too.

Road Trip: On the Road Day Four

2010-09-02T09:42:00.005-07:00

Miles thus far: 2482.0
Last night at the Motel 6 we met some very nice bikers who thought our cat was adorable because every time a new bike arrived, she'd jump up in the window and watch them.

The last day was shorter than the others, we took a nice route through Tahoe, and I almost got sick from all the swerving roads, but it was nice. Nevada, however, was not nice. 400 miles of desert, even driving 85 miles an hour, that's too much desert. Although, I did hit a tumble weed. that was cool.

6:42am 59 degrees: Departed from Motel 6
6:48am: Burger King, coffee: $3.93
6:56am: Departed from Burger King
6:13am (7:13am): Crossed into Pacific Time
6:53am: Entered Deeth Starr Valley
7:18am: Breakfast, McDonalds, $8.83, (PEED)
7:31am: On the road again
7:38am: Gas stop: $38.21
7:52am: Tunnel
10:52am 68 degrees: Stopped at rest area, switched drivers (PEED)
12:17pm: Gas stop, Carson City, NV $40.34
12:24pm: On the road again
12:36pm 68 degrees: 7,146ft Spooner Summit
12:30pm: Picnic Lunch, Shoals Vista Point (PEED)
1:00pm: On the road again
1:02pm: Tunnel
1:40pm 7,382ft Echo Summit
2:35pm: Switched drivers
3:35pm: Enter Davis!
3:48pm: Arrived at Clubside Apartments
Total miles: 3082.8

Even using our food money at the tolls, we made it all the way to Davis with 4 dollars left. It was a very successful, and eventless trip. And we've got photos. Oh boy, do we have photos...

Road Trip: On The Road Day Three

2010-08-30T18:47:00.004-07:00

Today was all highway driving. We had planned on making it as far as Salt Lake City (799.14 miles) but Utah turned out being so pleasant (honest-- No snark!) that we drove all the way to Wendover, UT (919.93 miles) and we sit, walking distance from the Nevada boarder, happily held up in another Motel 6.

Now, I'm off to try to convince Mike to take me to a casino. But first, here's what we did today:

Day Three:
6:40am 74 Degrees: Departed from Grand Island, NE Elevation 1,800 ft
7:11am: Passed under the Great Platte River Road Monument
8:29am 73 degrees: Breakfast; Burger King $12.13 (PEED)
8:50am: On the road again
8:13am: (9:13am)L Crossed into mountain time 1,711.9 miles traveled thus far
10:10am: Entered Wyoming; Switched Drivers (PEED)
10:22am 71 degrees: On the road again; Pine Bluffs WY Elevation 5,049 ft
10:40am: Hilldale, WY First spotted the Rocky Mountains
10:58am: Gas Stop; Cheyenne 15.1 gallons (39.70)
1:04pm Crossed continental divide Elevation 7,000 ft
1:55pm: Stopped at a rest area; (PEED)
2:00pm: On the road again
2:40pm: Lunch; Arby's $15.18; switched drivers (PEED)
2:59pm 61 degrees: on the road again
3:11pm 58 degrees: We went through a tunnel-- it was pretty cool.
3:28pm: Passed Little America, WY Advertised for over 200 miles-- not that cool.
3:59pm 53 degrees: Gas Stop $40.99
4:31pm 57 degrees: Welcome to Utah-- Life Elevated
4:54pm: Utah Welcome Center (27 miles into Utah) (PEED)
5:03pm: On the road again 2307.9 miles thus far
7:01pm: Salt Flats, UT
7:20pm 68 degrees: Wendover UT Motel 6
Total driving time thus far: 2,480.9

Road Trip: On the Road Day Two

2010-08-29T18:49:00.006-07:00

Today was much longer than yesterday, we went from Toledo Ohio to Grand Island, Nebraska. Interesting side note: Grand Island is neither Grand, nor an Island.

Day 2:
6:45am: Depart from Toledo
7:35am: Toll $3.75
7:38am: Indiana
803:am 69 degrees: Breakfast, Hardy's $11.18 (PEED)
8:35am: Gas, $42.32
8:57am (central time, actually 9:57am) 80 degrees: Portage IN Toll $7.30
9:18am 82 degrees: Illinois Welcome Center (PEED)
9:26am: On the road again
11:51am: Iowa Welcome Center (PEED)
12:05pm: On the road again
1:35pm 90 degrees: Picnic Lunch of Spam and Pickle, and Egg Salad, Gas, $37.19

1:47pm: On the road again
4:30pm: Entered Nebraska
4:52pm: Rest Stop, Switched drivers (PEED)
5:02pm 91 degrees: On the road again
6:41pm 87 degrees: Motel 6, Grand Island, NE
View from our second story window (thats GreyCat):
Total Miles so far: 1,543.6

Road Trip: On the Road Day One

2010-08-29T18:39:00.005-07:00

Here is a ticker of what we did. I'll fill it in with some yummy details when I don't feel like death.

Saturday August 28, 2010
7:27am 52 degrees: Departed Springfield Vermont
Here is a picture of GreyCat, she was VERY excited to get moving:

8:46am: Crossed into New York
9:26am 64 degrees: Breakfast, Dunkin Donuts $10.13 (PEED)
9:45am: I90W
10:02am 69 degrees: Dialed Mommie
10:52am 71 degrees: Service Area, Switched drivers (PEED)
1:58pm: Buffalo toll $12.85
2:28pm 81 degrees: Picnic Lunch, Gas stop $44.81 407.2 miles (PEED)
2:50pm: On the road again
3:27pm: Toll 3.15
3:30pm 81 degrees: Crossed into PA, switched drivers (PEED)
4:23pm: Ohio Welcome Center (PEED)
7:03pm: Motel 6 Toledo OH
Total Miles so far: 696
Heres a picture of the dinner we had at Bob Evans. Mike got the meatloaf, and if you can't tell, I got something called the deep dish chicken noodle, which was noodles and chicken in gravy, over mashed potatoes and biscuits. With a side of buttery dinner rolls. And a heart attack for dessert.

How to Travel Cross Country with a Cat

2010-08-26T09:55:00.008-07:00

This post is dedicated to how we plan on traveling cross country with our adorable slightly crazed cat.

First of all, the vet was very clear in saying she does not recommend giving the cat medication to calm her down during the trip. So, no drugs for kitty.

We were given a Guinea Pig cage that fits perfectly in the back of the Camry. The cage is perfect because its much larger than a cat carrier, and its got enough space so she can move around, without the unnecessary height of a large dog crate. What it does not have room for, however, is a litter box. Now, seeing as she sleeps in one spot for eight hours at a time without needing to get up to pee, I'm pretty confident she'll be okay without the litter box until we can get to the hotel room at night, but just in case, I've lined the cage using an old felt table cloth, cut into strips. I lined it twice, and then covered the slippery cloth with an old sheet.
Here is the table cloth all cut up, before being put into the cage.
And here is the cage, all set up without it's lid:

We set the cage up a few days ago so she'd get use to it in the house, and she loves it, she eats all the food in the cage before going to eat her other food, she sleeps in it. Even goes in the little Hidie Hole.
Unfortunately, this is just what the cage looks like without it's cover. With the cover on, she wont go near the thing. Its like the difference between a nice home made just for her, and Soviet Russia.

Cat Prison.

Give Life

2010-08-26T09:35:00.003-07:00

Yesterday I gave blood. Giving blood is like a mini check-up, so if you don't have health insurance, its great. Oh, and the whole blah blah blah, your civic duty thing is good too. My iron is normally low, so when I passed the iron test with flying colors without the aid of iron supplements, the assistant congratulated me and wanted to know what I'd done different. I told her I'd kicked up my fruit and vegetable intake.

I didn't mention that the entirety of my 'fruit and vegetable intake' comes from vodka/orange juice.

The Master Plan

2010-08-25T07:27:00.005-07:00

Over the next couple of days I will be sharing the details of our cross-country move to Davis California. But first, let's talk cash:

For the 2,955 mile trip, we've estimated spending 400 dollars on gasoline for our 2006 Toyota Camry, roughly 180 dollars on fast food, and 150 dollars on (pet friendly) lodging. Our family has given us 150 dollars for the move, which will be used for hotel stays. We also have $50 worth of gas cards. And along with nuts and gummybears, we will be taking mommy-made sandwiches with us.

Our pre-trip 'game' was to collect all the loose change we could, and then exchange it into cash, and then see how far we can get only buying food with that money. To date, we have $154.26 in food money. We'll see how far we can get; I plan on saying "In your FACE, Rachel Ray!!" At least fourteen times a day.

Moving: Day One

2010-08-23T19:12:00.007-07:00

So, we're not actually leaving Vermont until August 28th, but I think our move started today. As promised, the moving truck showed up, between the hours of ten and five. All of our worldly belongings fit into a 4 foot, by 8 foot, by ten foot space, with room to spare. With the help of some super strong friends, it only took 40 minutes. We'll see how well Mike and I do on our own once we get out there.

Sexiest Men (Not) Alive

2010-08-20T08:23:00.013-07:00

People magazine's "Sexiest Men Alive" comes out in November, but I'm going to go ahead and make my projections early: Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, David Beckham. yawn.

Truth be told though, I never found rating living people by their sexiness very interesting. I'm much more interested in how we perceive celebrities once they're dead. Because just like the perception of 'sexy' changes over the years (Mel Gibson won 'sexiest man' in 1985, the first year People ran the issue-- gross), our public perception of the dead changes with time. People adored Elvis Presley, I imagine in 1977 he probably would have won a 'sexiest man (not) alive' competition, but now he's just kind of a fat joke. So, here it is, I opted against a rating system in favor of superlatives, subject to change:

Kimberly's 2010 Dead Sexy List:

James Dean - Taken-before-his-time Sexy
Frank Sinatra - Taken-way-after-his-time Sexy
Marlon Brando - I-didn't-even-know-that-guy-was-dead Sexy
Patrick Swayze - Too soon? Sexy
Cary Grant - Classic movie Sexy
Johnny Cash - Hot-Mess Sexy
And the wild card:
Michael Jackson - Let's-only-remember-the-good-times Sexy

I would have made a Lady List-- but women really loss their appeal once they start lossing their teeth. But, Betty White, you're just waiting in the wing to accept that award, and you know it.

Birthday Gaffe

2010-08-19T07:43:00.004-07:00

At what age are people suppose to stop asking you how old you are? I mean, how old does a woman have to be for it to become impolite to ask her age? And when people stop asking me how old I am, should I be insulted? Wouldn't it suggest by not asking, I must be an age worth hiding? Or am I just a big ball of crazy?

And at what age do people start trying to impress you with how old they are? Where is the switch there, where for sixty years a woman denies her age and then suddenly shes waving it around like a big old flag.

I think its safe to assume that regardless of age, I will continue to make an ass out of myself for the rest of my life. Because if I haven't made any of the necessary steps towards growth by now, that train has left the station.

Last week was my birthday, and a family member asked me how old I was turning, and, because I don't know the proper protocol, I decided I would be safe, and not tell her, and her response is "Heck! I'm 40 years older than you are, it hardly matters!"

And this was the dangerous spot. I knew I was excepted, socially, to scoff, say no, you aren't, you look too young, that's impossible. But then, what if by scoffing, I'm patronizing her(mathematical, it makes sense for her to be 40 years older than I am, am I suppose to just ignore basic math?!). Wouldn't it more insulting to be patronized by a younger generation? But by this point, I'd been standing doe-eyed for about 20 seconds, and all that I could come up with was "I.. am not surprised by that." It was probably not the right thing to say.

Go West, little blonde girl

2010-08-15T08:34:00.008-07:00

Let the count down begin! 14 days until we move from our small house in Vermont, to our not-so-small apartment in Davis, California. I've spent so much time grieving about moving away from my family and my friends, that I forgot to pack.

But I have a plan:

First: We pack. Here's my three step packing plan:
One: Label boxes. Every time I move, it starts with that key factor. So, the first three boxes are labeled, and then everything else is just crap crammed into anything random beer or liquor box we could find. But not this time. We've got real boxes this time.

Two: Spacebags. I might have mentioned this before, but spacebags are very important to me.

Three: Eat the food. We have rice noodles that have lived with my fiance longer than I have. They have followed us from his apartment in Boston, to our apartment in Boston, to the house in Spoonerville, to the house in Springfield, and that's where it end. We will eat those God damn noodles.

In the next few posts I will do my best to explain how we plan on spending our 2598.99 mile journey with our cat, which, by my calculations, will involve 90 rest area stops.

For Sale

2010-08-12T06:49:00.005-07:00

I'm giving Ebay a second chance. And here's why:

The short answer is I need money, but nobody likes the short answer. Although, if you happened to like the short answer, you can stop reading now.

As it stands, its fair to equate my current financial situation to the point in BeJeweled2 where you're down to the end and you're about to lose, and the screen is flashing and you're feverishly clicking on the little jewels before time runs out, but it feels like no matter how many jewels you get rid of, you never get any more time. (In continuation of the how to waste time at work topic, Yahoo! Games has some great time wasters) So, that's part of the reason. Secondly, I remembered that story about the guy a few years back who sold all his worldly possessions, right down to his underwear, on Ebay. And I got inspired. I'm prone to being inspired by stories that end in underwear.

So, it just made sense. I'm going to sell as much of my worldly possessions as I can bare to part with, but I'm stopping at underwear. More of this later...